Monday, July 19

In a world of numb....


         That's the best way to describe it. The way I'm feeling.

                                       I don't even know where to begin.

How to put it. Or what to say.......

Life definitely has it's own coarse, doesn't it?

The shitty part of it all... we have no control over it.

No say. Whatsoever.

Not an option to pass this trial on.

Trade it for a new one.

There is no trading.

So what do you do?

How do you help the ones you love?

Who are hurting the most.

How do you take the pain away?

How do you stop the tears from falling?

How do you continue to be a rock,

when those around you crumble?

Why does it seem your world falls apart

and everything falls at the same time?

Why isn't there a pause button for life?

A chance to make time stop...

Just for a few minutes...

To be able to enjoy what you've got.

Before it all falls apart.

Before you fall apart.

Why can't life be fair?

Why do some people's trials repeat?

over and over and over and over.

Why is saying goodbye so hard?

Like I said earlier... I don't even know where to begin. So many thoughts, so many feelings. I hate when bad news all comes around at the same time. Years ago we went through this episode where every time we went to Bear Lake... we'd come home to bad news... I almost feel that we are about to begin the cycle again.

They say things happen in threes... but I'm really hoping we don't get anymore bad news.. for a long time.

Happening number one: A couple of weeks ago we found out our family friend's brain tumor is back... and quickly growing. The doctors have told him there is no longer anything they can do medically. The chemo and radiation did nothing. And I'm sure we don't have much time left. Blaine has an excellent attitude about it, and it is comforting to know he is at peace with the whole thing. However, it still doesn't make saying goodbye any easier.

Happening number two: About a week and a half ago I was at my cousin's house, cutting hair. I have been sooo lucky to be able to go over there! I have been there a few times to mess up her kitchen floor and make her boys look more handsome with fresh haircuts! Things with the baby had slowly started to go down hill. A couple months ago we thought we would only get a couple more weeks left to be around Saydria's delightful spirit.. but then she seemed to stay pretty neutral for another month or so... about three weeks ago they put in a feeding tube and Miss Saydria had a little more energy. I was over there a few days after it was put in and she was so smiley, talkative, and attentive. It was the cutest thing to just lay by her and talk to her. Hold her tiny little hand. And tell her I love her. She had gotten a little bit of a cold, so they were keeping a really close eye on her. It was a little scary for Kiri, but I think Saydria was doing pretty good. Then a little over a week ago it was time for me to do a couple haircuts.. (Kiri has her boys' haircuts staggered.. So it was time for Aiden and Wesley to get cuts...) Little Miss Saydria was downstairs hanging out with us! It was so fun to have her in the room and listen to her little voice. I had no idea that a week and two days later we would get that dreaded call. Last night we got the call that Saydria had passed away. We knew it would happen, but it's still not any easier to say goodbye.

Sometimes life just isn't fair. I know this is all a part of our Heavenly Father's plan. It makes it a little easier to deal with. Knowing I will get to see both of them again. But it is still a hard thing to go through.

I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to know Saydria! Even though she was only 6 months old, she was such an amazing spirit! She taught me so much in her short time with our family! I am so grateful Kiri and Casey let us get to know her! Miss Saydria, your sweet spirit will be missed.


I'm also very grateful to know Blaine. What an amazing man! He has been through so much. And worked so hard to be where he is now. I am so glad he was our neighbor. and my best friend. I will miss him so much! I will hate not having him at my wedding, but I know he'll be there in spirit, and for that I am very grateful!! I'm also very grateful we still have a little bit of time to spend with him.

I thank Heavenly Father for placing these people in my life! :)